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on young love

Aug. 31st, 2007 | 10:53 pm
location: cloud 7.5 ish
mood: flirtyflirty
music: crickets outside my window

Today, I was normal. I went on a normal date with a semi-normal guy, and he asked me to Homecoming, normally. wow. 
his name is Andrew Dobies, but we all call him Voldemort (a long story involving coffee and 3am IM sessions). he's a year lower in school, but he's easily one of the most mature guys i know. he missed the birthday deadline by one day, sucks to be him. he's considerate, well-read, geeky, passably attractive in a nondescript sort of way. I could go on.
we've been kind of orbiting eachother since we went to prom together as friends last may. we only met like twice over the summer because of work and family and stuff. 
he's different than the other boys ive gone after in the past. i'm already emotionally invested in him. he won't be one of my flings for groping and tossing, he deserves so much better than that. 
I can't get ahead of myself, though. i can't do this in fantasy. this has to play out in the real world this time.
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(no subject)

Aug. 26th, 2007 | 12:20 pm
location: my room
mood: creativecreative

So I started school again on thursday. senior year. I'm taking advanced creative writing, and our first assignment was to write about our first kiss.

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Jun. 26th, 2007 | 09:57 pm


            Dad wanted to see my yearbook today, and guess what page he turned to first?

Alex’s page. That dredged up all sorts of frightening memories, so i need to get them out before i can sleep tonight. maybe that will hold off the nightmares. 

September 15 2006

It was a late arrival day at school, so i slept in until about 830 in the morning, a luxury. after i got up, i called taylor to make sure i was getting a ride. he was a crazy driver, but it was a damn sight better than taking the bus and having to deal with overly chipper freshmen. tay said it was cool, and he'd pick me up on his way to alex's house, jsut down the road from me. 

sure enough, tay showed up around 945 in that beautiful camero of his. when we got to alex's house, he wasnt up. we called, he didn't answer. thinking he was still asleep, we went in to drag him out of bed. at first, when he said he couldn't feel his legs, i thought he was just fucking around trying to put off getting up. taylot tried to stand him up and his knees buckled. that's when we all started freaking. together, taylor and me got him down the stairs to the couch. Taylor called alex's mum while i tried to find him some clothes. oddly enough, the first time i'd seen him in just his boxers and i didn't even think to check him out i was that scared. 

alex had always been a very independent, macho kind of guy, and that morning i had to physically pull his pants on him. i sat with him while everything kind of happened around us. he was trying so hard not to let me see how scared he was. i was almost in shock. how could alex; energetic, hockey-playing, free-cuddling alex be paralyzed for no reason? when tay was out of the room, alex looked at me with such terror in his eyes, even though he tried to hide it with teasing. i let him do whatever he needed to feel at ease with me. i bantered with him, i let him bury his face in my chest when he needed to get himself under control. i carded my fingers through his hair the way i'd seen his many girlfriends do so many times. it seemed to keep him relaxed. 

taylor was amazing. he kept his cool until alex's mum and the paramedics got there. she went in the ambulance with him. we promised alex we'd follow and keep him company. then we broke the law. still in "get things done" mode, we called eachother out of school, faking as eachother's parents. taylor couldn't get back in the car though. that's when he finally cracked. we hung on to eachother for a long time in the driveway. he was a full head and shoulders taller than me, but at the time, i think i was the only thing holding him upright. he didn't do anything dramatic, no wailing sobs, no useless what-ifs. he just squeezed me and buried his face in my hair (it was shorter then, so it stuck out on top) breathing raggedly. i tried so hard not to cry, but some tears escaped. when taylor got himself under control again, we left. 

i hated that hospital. it was too white. somehow, tay and i fell asleep on the couch waiting for alex to come out of surgery. i'll never know how we managed to sleep that day. maybe it was the adrenaline leaving us, maybe all the emotional repression exhausted us. alex's mum apparently thought it was sweet. she took a picture of us with her cameraphone. i think seh just needed a distraction from worrying. the picture is a bit grainy, but you can see two dark-haired teens in baggy green sweatshirts "spooning" on the couch as best we could. everyone took us for twins or a couple and left us alone. 

tay woke me up about an hour before alex got out. it was almost time for school to get out. i called home with my story. we'd both gone to school, but we were going to the hospital to see if alex was okay. i'd call again later and taylor would drive me home. i spent all my money in the vending machines getting us snacks. we waited, and waited, and waited 

finally, alex came out. or we heard that he came out okay and was in the icu, too drugged to do any sort of damage to himself. they wouldn't let us see him because we weren't family, but his mum thanked us for being there for him. 

i couldn't sleep that night. too many fears, but i wasn't alone. taylor and i stayed up all night talking in hushed whispers over the airwaves. that helped alot. 

ok. gonna try to sleep now. wish me luck

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Jun. 22nd, 2007 | 05:13 pm

got in a fifht with mum aobut college aian. why is she so paraniod. it's not like i don't have the grades to get in, and i palyt music, and i'm mulitracial. but no, i'll never get into college unless i finish first year in highschool. what's the point of college then. why am i being held to a different standard just because i'm not some welfare kid from the inner city, who managed to land a scholarship? why do i have to work so much harder than any other person applying to the same type of schools? 

what if i lieft? stupid even if i did leave home, where would i go? none of my friends care enoguh to put up with me when i have problems. i'm so goddamn isolated that i'm talking to my computer, to a server twho doesn't care  and a blog that nobody is ever going to read. 

what if i killed myself? not on purpose of course, but what if i veered into the wrong lane, or drove too fast down cuba and just happened to get wrapped around a tree. what then? no college, no problems, no nothing. i'd be just another tragic teen death caused by my own sense of immortality. what if?

i have to stop crying now. it feels wrong to cry about something so selfishly when others who don;t live in this sheltered bubble seem to get on fine even though theyre supposed to be disadvantaged. sometimes i dream that i'm someone else, that some cataclysmic event has wiped out our society and the only probelm we have left is survival. wouldnt that be so much simpler? i want so badly to disappear into one of my stories and never come back. i wouldn't even have to get there, just away enough that i can't come back to this. 

i'm not normally this rattled by mum's bullshit, but today i just snapped. i don't know why i was weak today, but everything got through and out my mouth. it's just so unfair.

she's banging on my door again. good thing the lock is strong shit i t


she got the key out and we had round two. now that i'm crying she loves me, and she's proud of me. i hid in my closet. strangely fitting since she dones'b believe that i'm bi either. i'm trying to calm down now. i think its working, a bit. i just need dad to call so i can go get him from the train station. i need 

dad called. mum eavesdropped, the bitch. now wer're going to have to have a family talk over the whole damn thing. now im getting upset agian. fuck. i hate these fucking emotions. i want my books. i can't do this anymore.


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Jun. 18th, 2007 | 08:45 pm
location: home
mood: aggravatedaggravated
music: the band - ophelia

so i'm out of school now. junior year is over not a moment too soon for my sanity, and already mum is breathing down my neck about colleges. it's her latest thing to bitch about and worry about and have the same conversation seven times about.
 my colleges:




-william & mary


-queens (in canada)

-ubc vancouver


mum's favorite things to bitch about:


-summer school

-college (where, how, can i get in, what's my major, what's my backup major, where can i go to grad school with either of them, how can i get into medical school if i don't decide to do that now and not when i actually know what i want to do)

-community service (it's not volunteering if it's forced)

so yeah, that's what's going on at home. no wonder i spend so much time at the library now. i need a life, and a boy/girl-friend. that would be nice. 

on a happier note, i am sore. dad and i spent all day in the garden doing the summer planting and weeding and trimming and bagging and playing in the dirt. it was the best. i got filthy and mum couldn't do a damn thing about it because it was father's day. so i woke up sore, and was sore all day, and then i did a silly thing. i went and ran a mile. that was really well thought out, wasn;t it. it actually felt kind of good, until i stopped and realized my legs were shaking. 

enough with the emo shit now, signing off


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May. 1st, 2007 | 08:20 pm

so my best friend Voldemort asked me to prom. he's a really nice guy, but now it's kind of awkward to talk to him about it and i don;t know why. i've got this fantastic dress for it though. yay. dad hasn't seen it yet, not looking forward to that. mum had her freakout about omgmybabysallgrownup!!!11 and all so one down, one to go. this is just to keep my accont active. so signing off.

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contractual obligations

Feb. 18th, 2007 | 09:56 pm

so i have to post in order to keep the journal alive. here we go POST

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(no subject)

Nov. 5th, 2006 | 04:08 pm
location: home
mood: apatheticapathetic
music: kt tunstall

i am very very tired. this is a statement of fact, not an exaggeration. I am tired, and i am drained, and i have to get up tomorrow and do it all again. there is nothing i can do to prevent this from occuring. tomorrow morning i am going to get up at 545 am, hit my alarm clock to make it stop so it won't get loud enough to wake anyone else. i'm going to get in the shower and attempt to style my hair, even though i'm going to be in the pool second period. I'm going to eat granola for breakfast alone in the semi-dark. i'm going to go to school and write an essay, and then i'll go to class. after eight classes and a 20 minute lunch, i'm going to rehearsal for the musical. wehn i get home, i'll do my homework, go to bed, and wake up the next morning to do the exact same thing. i need a break

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continued from the last entry

Oct. 23rd, 2006 | 09:59 pm

i know he won't go back to sleep after this, but i can't bring myself to move. he's warm and it's comforting to have him in my arms when he's not bleeding or in so much pain that he shakes until he finally drifts into a vicodin-induced slumber. its on those nights that i thank god for my room in the basement (after 13, my music got a bit louder, so i got moved). the oak floors above are thick enough to stifle the noise, unless you listen very very carefully at the doors. those are the nights when i leave the lights on and get a headstart on my homework. today though, nothing can touch us. we just sit as we are until we get to my stop. then, we shrug on our entirely ineffective jackets and push and shove our way off the bus into the cool october sunlight.
he's feeling posessive today, and one arm stays around my waist for the entire half-mile walk to my door. we laugh and talk the whole way, the previous incident gone from our minds, until the grey house on the hill comes into view. sometimes i can't believe i actually live here. i've been a foster child since i was six, and most of the places i've been put are pretty shoddy, but Doc's been really good for me. he offered to pay for my college.

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(no subject)

Oct. 7th, 2006 | 09:02 pm
location: home
mood: creativecreative
music: remember the titans soundtrack

we're on the bus again, the afternoon sun painting fantastic patterns through the trees as the yellow monstrosity grumbles and bumps along. he's stretched out again. I'm sitting with my back against the window, one leg against the seat and the other balanced against the seat in front of us. he's lying between my legs with his head on my shoulder and he keeps himself up with his feet on the edge of the other seat. he's dozing, and i can feel his breath ghosting across my chest through the linen shirt. he's edged in gold by the sunlight. it makes his hair glow. his summer freckles are fading on his arms and there are none left on his face. 
I can imagine what we must look like to others. two teenagers tangled in an amorous embrace, but there's nothing sexual about the way we are. sure, we can get pretty hot and heay when we want to, but now it's just him sleeping the way he's most comfortable. if that way is between my legs, then so be it, because there's no place i'd rather have him. 
the bus gives a particularly violent jolt that sends me three or four inches off the seat. the impact jarrs my spine and I can't help but curse, Fuck that hurts. the jolt also wakes him. his head knocks against my shoulder hard enough to bruise. better me than the window though, bony as i am. his eyes shoot open immediately and his entre body tenses. it's a reflex he shouldn't have, but he does, and we both have to live with it. I'm careful not to grab at him as i run a comforting hand up and down his arm. he buries his face in my shoulder as he relaxes. we're far away enough from everyone else that his spasm goes unnoticed, thank god.

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